Creating this diary is born out of a desire to be more present in my life. In the last few months I’ve experienced a lot of loss and the need to numb my emotions and fill the silence has been strong. The hard, yet beautiful gift of loss is awakening to the impermanence of our lives. And honestly, I’m tired of watching the days pass, wishing things were different, waiting for the courage to create and share my work, but being too afraid to risk, to try.
It’s been over 3 years since I released a creative project. But more importantly, it’s been over 3 years of not creating & keeping quiet (for the most part). I stopped writing music and creating things with any sort of consistency. It wasn’t until recently that I noticed how detrimental it’s been to not have a dedicated space to play, create and express myself. The undercurrent of all the hiding and stuck-ness was shame…shame about the way my life was unfolding. So many mistakes, so many dreams unfulfilled.
Yet somewhere in the midst of it all I decided to start writing letters to myself…letters of encouragement, reminders of truth, and celebrations of who I am. There are also letters of heartbreak, pain, anger, and frustration. In these letters I carve out space to let myself be heard and seen without judgement. After a lifetime of blaming my “too sensitive” heart for my pain and need to hide, I was cultivating a relationship based in love and respect. I always started the letters “dear heart,” (a reference to a C.S. Lewis quote from The Chronicles of Narnia.) Sometimes I was writing directly to my heart, sometimes it was as if my heart was writing to me, and sometimes it felt like I was receiving messages from my future self reminding me who I was created to be. Developing this form of communication has been so healing after engaging in years of overly critical & negative self talk. It’s a process, but I’m learning day by day how to soften my heart and let down its drawbridge.
I believe we were given these beautiful hearts to connect with each other, express ourselves and bring healing to the world and I don’t want to demonize mine anymore. Nurturing this relationship with myself and my heart has been life-changing, and I hope if you’re in a similar place these words will remind you you’re not alone--you're full of magic that is worth experiencing for yourself and sharing with others.
Here’s to showing up everyday and moving headlong toward gratitude. May we stay present enough to find the gems hidden in each day.