in-between

I’ve been saying to friends recently how I feel like a caterpillar that’s turned into ooze and is inside the chrysalis just waiting to turn into something new. It’s kind of comical that for someone who preaches being mindful of seasons and cycles, I’m still fighting the fertile void of the in-between.

I logically know it’s necessary and yet I still associate the unknown with fear. I seem to keep forgetting all the trust I’ve banked within myself and the Universe. I have no reason to believe I won’t be taken care of.

Thinking back to last year, I didn’t know how many things in my life were going to play out, but I took risks and watched as they built on each other slowly and over time. It’s easy to connect the dots going backwards, but I wasn’t always steady and sure in those moments.

The other day while driving to work I was thinking about the magic of my 40th year and my apprehension to let it go. It was an incredible time—a portal to a new way of being. I discovered places within myself that I wasn’t sure I ever would. And now some of those things have ended, and others are shifting. Fear is telling me that moving on and letting go means letting parts of me go with it. But the truth is, who I became through those experiences doesn’t cease to exist just because they are over.

I saw a picture in my mind’s eye of that “ooze” I’ve been feeling like and I realized that all of the dissolving of the past year isn’t happening so it can be taken from me, but rather it’s being integrated into who I am at a foundational level. The experiences I had will always be with me and help carry me forward as I envision this next season of life.

Truthfully, I’ve been so focused on trying to figure out what I want to do and create that I’ve forgotten that it really begins with deciding who I want to be. The doing comes from the being. And this “in-between” time is where that groundwork is laid.

There tends to be a negative connotation with the phrase “in-between” because it seems to suggest the blooming or harvest time are the most important. But the truth is there would be no blooming or harvest without the rest of Winter and the nurturing of Spring. We just tend to latch onto Summer and Fall (proverbial or otherwise) because they produce physical things we can point to that make us feel worthy, grounded, secure and more visible.

But everything changes—it’s the one thing we can count on without fail. I seem to forget all of the above frequently. Hopefully the lag time is getting shorter, and I will continue to be kinder and kinder to myself in the unfolding process.

So, I am practicing a new way. I’m asking myself with grace and gentleness…

Who do you want to be in this next season?

What is being stirred up within you?

What is floating to the surface asking to be seen and known?

What wants to be created?

How do you want to play and invite pleasure and joy into your life?

What do you want to allow into being?

What do you want to lay to rest?

Yesterday, I finished filling up the pages in the journal I began at the beginning of 2022. It seems a fitting time to begin a new one, and no coincidence that the words on the cover say “you are worthy of new beginnings.” Something I think we all needed to be reminded of more frequently.

I closed out those journal pages with these words below—a prayer of sorts for this coming me. If you also find yourself in-between, feel free to take them and make them your own as you call forth this new chapter of your life.

Let her speak, this coming you.

Let her rise and appear and whisper in your ear

All the wild and delicious ideas and adventures she has in store.

Let her be,

Let her build,

Let her offer her magic to you and the world without reservation.

Let her be seen, felt, loved, experienced in ways you can’t even conceive of yet.

Be open and trust the Divine timing of the Universe.

You are blooming.

It’s not too late.

Your dreams are not too big.

Lean in and watch them blow up like fireworks in the sky.

You, my fiery beacon, are a guiding force for good.

Let the love of the Universe envelop every bit of your

Pain, sorrow, insecurity, and the unknown.

It is all held with reverence and grace,

Loving you into a deep and vast remembering of who you are and have always been.

XO,